This is kind of a weird “how to”, but given recent events at my work, I figure that it’s kind of fitting. Most people want a job, but from what it seems in my history of working here, that’s not true of everyone. Some of these methods will be really obvious, but it doesn’t stop it from happening!
Method number one: Use drugs at work. A lot of places do their best to prevent this, via pre-employment drug testing, and random drug tests throughout your employment, but there are still some places (like my work) where employees aren’t drug tested. Someone I worked with a few years back would regularly come to work stoned, smoke some more weed during his lunch break, and then smoke a little more after getting off work (but before he actually went home).
Here’s a little tip for anyone who thinks this is a good idea: it’s not. While I have no problem with recreational drug use in a private environment, i.e. your own home, a workplace is definitely not the place to be stoned.
Job-loss-o-meter: 10/10 for effectiveness, 3/10 for difficulty
Method number two: Sleeping on the job. Another obvious method of getting fired, but still one that happens! Depending on circumstances, some bosses will be lenient. I dozed off at one job, completely unintentionally, and my boss didn’t punish me for it because she knew that I had been up for two days straight (Christmas season = madness).
However, if it’s obvious that you intentionally fell asleep, your ass is grass. A former coworker of mine tucked himself away in the back room at the front desk, in a big, comfortable chair, with one of the hotel’s blankets, and a pillow. He was found like that by the morning chef who had come to open up the hotel’s restaurant, and because he’d even locked the front desk area, she had to climb over the desk to wake him up and get the restaurant keys. Yeah, he was fired pretty shortly after.
Job-loss-o-meter: 8/10 for effectiveness, 1/10 for difficulty
Method number three: Talking shit to the wrong people. This one tends to be a bit harder than the previous two. If you live in a big enough area, there’s a good chance that your shit-talking about your workplace won’t get back to your boss, but if you live in a small town, like I do… let’s just say it’s a bad idea.
One thing to keep in mind if you live in a small town is the likelihood of someone you’re talking to knowing your boss. If you’ve got to talk shit about how “everyone is waaay under-trained”, and “nobody knows how to do their job”, and “it’s managed so badly”, I have a huge piece of advice: only talk shit with people you trust.
People that it’s not a good idea to bad-mouth your workplace to: your neighbor, just because they’re your neighbor; people at other branches of the same workplace, since you have similar jobs; ANYONE connected directly to your workplace in some way (i.e., the credit card company who handles the payments your business receives).
Job-loss-o-meter: 8/10 for effectiveness, 5/10 for difficulty
Method number four: Leaving your workplace during your shift. This is a BIG no-no that everyone should be smart enough to know. You don’t leave work while you’re on shift, especially not if your workplace deals with customers on a regular basis (like a hotel).
I’ll tell you know that the difficulty scale is going up for this one, because it takes some good-sized stones to do something this stupid. I’ll admit that I’ve done it once or twice before, but that was when I was living right next door to work, close enough that the cordless phone from the hotel still worked. But getting in your vehicle, driving somewhere, and being gone for 15-20 minutes minimum? Ballsy.
Also stupid. Shit like that will lose you your job for sure, especially if you’re caught doing it on security cameras, and it loses your workplace some customers because there was nobody there to help them.
Job-loss-o-meter: 10/10 for effectiveness, 7/10 for difficulty
And that’s all I’ve got for you this time, folks! Like I said, most of them are obvious, but apparently not obvious enough.
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